


Fly Again

by Trawler



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Chaptered, Character's Name Spelled as Hanji, Complete, Explicit Sexual Content, Facial Shaving, Haircuts, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Secret Relationship, Size Difference, Slow Romance, Ties & Cravats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 03:24:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14251983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trawler/pseuds/Trawler
Summary: Erwin and Levi are both in convalescence. Levi takes it upon himself to needle Erwin - wounded mentally as well as physically -  to step up and be the man the Survey Corp needs him to be. The man Levi needs him to be.During the slow progress of recovery they show aspects of themselves that they've never shown to anyone. They both want more. They want everything the other has to give... but the threat of death is everywhere. Can they overcome their fears and hold on to what's being offered?Complete story, 6 chapters, explicit rating for later chapters.





	1. A Close Shave

Erwin Smith was a true giant among men; not a Titan, yet still he rose above all others. And I wasn’t just thinking about his physical stature. The Commander had been snatched from a galloping horse, right arm clamped in the teeth of an opportunistic monster. And then – at the height of his ordeal, when he’d been dangling from a gigantic mouth, flesh tearing and his bones shattering – he’d yelled orders at his soldiers to continue the fight. 

He’d survived being dropped. He’d avoided being crushed in the melee. He’d stood up as if he hadn’t a care in the world and fashioned a makeshift tourniquet with the wreck of his harness. Calm and collected, he’d tied it around the gushing stump with his teeth and the blood-slick fingers of his left hand. Somehow he’d found his horse and hauled himself back up. 

I hadn’t seen any of this myself – I’d still been resting up from my leg injury – but every story I’d heard, every report I’d read, all said the same thing. Never once had Erwin given up the fight during that battle.

To me, he wasn’t just a man. He wasn’t just a soldier, or the Commander, or even my friend. He was a legend, the man I would follow into a Titan’s jaws. He inspired loyalty to himself and to a cause. He’d even inspired a cockroach like me, who’d been loyal to none save a special few for so long. It wasn’t the way he owned every room he entered; it wasn’t the command in his eyes, or the strength in his voice. It was his unfaltering belief that what he was doing – what we were _all_ doing – was right. 

The rest of the Survey Corp respected him. But from the day he lost his arm, they loved him, too, because his faith never wavered. His dedication never faltered. He’d suffered for the cause – been maimed for it – and he still believed. 

And he was stoic. My God, he was stoic. You wouldn’t think he’d just lost an arm. 

It was only when the first batch of visitors had been and gone from the infirmary that his facade began to crumble, and it was the first time that I realised it was a facade. Like the rest of the Survey Corp, I’d thought nothing could phase him. I was foolish to believe that, of course. I soon came to learn that _everything_ phased him. He was just adept at controlling what he presented to the outside world. 

But in that moment – when the door closed on Pixis and the others – I saw that he was, after all, a human. He leaned back against the pillows, face tight with pain, deep lines etched into the skin around his mouth and eyes. Those lines drew my attention to his eyebrows; thick and heavy, golden exclamation points to everything his hard blue eyes tried to say. And everything they tried not to say.

“Shall I leave you to rest, Commander?” I asked from my leaning position against the wall. I should sit soon – my leg was beginning to ache – but I could tolerate worse.

“I can rest when I’m dead.” It was a familiar joke between us. “And drop the ‘Commander’, will you? I’m just... Erwin now.”

I’d always liked the way his name was pronounced – the _Er_ like air, the soft v of _win_ – but I ignored my enjoyment, astonished by his statement. 

“What the fuck are you talking about, old man?”

“That’s my Levi. Never afraid to speak his mind.”

_His_ Levi... well, I suppose that was true. Why did I agree to follow him, to join the Survey Corp? People always thought that it was because I had no choice. Join or be imprisoned. While it was true that a choice had to be made, it wasn’t what everyone assumed, and it wasn’t made then.

I’d spent my life as a gutter rat, eking out an existence with my two best friends Underground. We’d been paid to steal plans from Erwin and then kill him, but he’d been playing us all along to flush out our employer. The real price had been the life of my friends, torn to pieces by Titans.

I could have killed Erwin then. Slit his throat in the rain, stolen a horse and galloped back to the relative safety of the walls. But I hadn’t. As a criminal I’d learned that death was inevitable, one way or another…. and the same was true of the Survey Corp. The choice I made that day was to die in the light, with fresh air around me, rather than the foetid darkness of my youth. I chose to learn how to fly at the end of Erwin’s traces, a hawk killing at his command rather than a rat scrapping for survival in the dark. I didn’t turn to bite the hand that fed. I let it guide me.

And when I die, swallowed into a Titan’s stinking gullet, I know I won’t regret that choice. Because I will have spread my wings – yes, you could call them the Wings of Freedom – and died in the light. 

“You’re talking nonsense,” I said. “You’re still the Commander.”

“How can an eagle fly with only one wing? How can I join my comrades in the field?” His voice rang with bitterness. “How can I wield my blades, or even use the ODMG? How can I expect any soldier to follow a crippled man?”

“You _learn!”_ I snapped, pushing away from the wall, anger making my voice ring. “You learn how to be the man we need you to be, just as your recruits learned to be the soldiers you needed!”

“It’s... it’s not that simple...” He sounded so very tired. I knew that he ought to sleep, but I refused to leave him maudlin.

“We need you to lead us, Erwin. _I_... I need you to lead me.” I hadn’t intended to say that, but from the way his gaze sharpened, it was the right thing to say. 

“Well, then.” His lips curved in a thin smile, eyes closing. “I can’t leave my finest Captain without direction... or supervision. You’d flay people alive with that tongue.”

*****

His first problem was shaving.

“I’m not letting any of you near my throat with a blade!” I heard him growl as I strolled into the room. The poor nurse squeaked and cowered.

“But Commander, it’s becoming a necessity –” 

I had to give her points for bravery, if not wisdom. Much like the majority of the Survey Corp.

“Out!” he roared, making her jump. His bellow had been honed over the years, loud enough to be heard over a parade ground, the pounding of horse’s hooves in the field... and brutal, bloody battle. I was prepared – inured to it, perhaps – but the nurse didn’t stand a chance. I stood aside and watched, amused, as the quivering wreck scurried out of the room.

“Was that really necessary, Commander?” I drawled. 

“Until I’m recovered I’m just Erwin,” he reminded me in a normal speaking voice. “And yes, it was necessary. All these nurses fluttering around, treating me as if I’m a hero.” His eyes slid to mine. “I’m sorry. That was unprofessional.”

“You’re human,” I said. “You’re allowed to have off-days. Listen, if you’ll trust _me_ with a blade at your throat, I’ll oblige.”

His grateful smile was a relief. “There’s no one I’d trust more.”

*****

The fleeing nurse left behind everything I’d need to make the Commander’s face presentable again, although I had to admit that the stubble he’d accumulated over the last few days added a certain... _something_ to his face. A wildness, perhaps, that hadn’t been there before. 

Not that I didn’t think Erwin had any wildness in him; quite the contrary. I’d known people with that same wildness Underground. Men and women with the desperation, the sheer burning desire, to do whatever it took to keep themselves alive.

And here Erwin differed from the sewer rats I’d grown up among. His wildness was... constrained. Corralled. Directed. Over the years I’d watched him turn the maelstrom of his will into a weapon. It still burned. _He_ still burned – but it was as cold as a blizzard, and just as deadly.

I approached the tray the nurse had left on Erwin’s bedside table. A bowl of warm water; a pot of shaving foam and a small brush; a straight razor and a white towel.

“One day you ought to cultivate a beard,” I remarked, reaching for the pot and the brush. “I’ve no doubt that your face is hard enough to make it work.”

“I’m trying to work out if that was a compliment, Levi.”

I allowed myself a smirk. “It’s been known to happen, from time to time.”

“Is the sky falling?”

“Never taunt a man with a blade close at hand.” I dipped the brush in the pot, loaded it with foam, and dabbed it once across the tip of his beak-like nose. “Or a shaving brush.”

Erwin’s broad smile etched deep creases onto his face, and I was taken aback. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him really smile. I grabbed the towel and wiped the blob of foam from his nose. 

“Hold still, or I’ll get this in your eyes.”

“Accidentally-on-purpose?” His magnificent eyebrows lifted, lending weight to his question.

“Oh, no. Quite on purpose.”

Erwin’s smile broadened to a grin, and I shook my head, pleased that I’d managed to tease him into a better frame of mind. I doubted it would last long; all too soon the grinding reality of life and death would come crashing back. But until then, I – a man more known for generating scowls than smiles – had brought a little levity to the Commander’s day. It was a... a good feeling, I decided. 

I took Erwin’s chin in one hand, noting immediately the differences in our size. My small, lean fingers seemed dwarfed on his face, my thumb braced on the front part of his chin, fingers curving beneath. Rough against rough – his stubble against my calluses. I tilted his face to one side and deftly covered the stubble with foam. I studied his profile, noting again the hard angle of his nose. He squinted, trying to look at me and the brush at the same time. 

“You’ll ruin your eyesight if you keep doing that,” I said. “Then you’ll have to wear shitty glasses like Hanji.”

“Would I look good in glasses?” he asked. I gently turned his chin and began covering the other side of his face.

I tilted my head, considering. Imagining. I pictured small golden frames perched on his nose, turning him into the world’s most dangerous bookkeeper. But there _was_ a certain appeal to the image...

“No,” I said, blunt as ever. 

“Oh.” I couldn’t quite tell beneath all that foam, but I thought his lips thinned and turned down. 

“Though I’m sure there are many who would disagree,” I added, by way of apology.

No smile this time, but warmth made his vivid blue eyes glow. 

“A man with one arm has to take what he can get.”

“Self-pity, Erwin?” I dropped the brush into the bowl and picked up the razor, unfolding the blade.

“Saves everyone else showering me with theirs.” His voice rang with sudden – if not unexpected – bitterness. Then he sighed, sending a few drops of foam floating off into the air. “I’m sorry.”

“Never apologise for your rage.” I held his eyes with mine, silently daring him to look away. He didn’t. “Hold it close. Feed it. Nurture it. Because one day, it might be the only thing keeping you alive.”

He broke eye contact and looked away, troubled. I used the opportunity to set the razor’s edge to his face and began the first slow, careful down-stroke, following the hard contours of his cheek and chin. I rinsed the blade and repeated the process.

“Why do you rage, Levi?” he asked in the silent moment before I wet the razor again. 

I gave him a long, level look, trying to decide if he was mocking me. While the Commander had been known to tease, this felt like a genuine question. And it deserved a genuine answer.

“A better question might be ‘why wouldn’t I?’” 

One side of his mouth rose in a half-smile. I matched it with a full one of my own, but it soon faded. I maintained my controlled strokes over his face.

“I was born into an indifferent world,” I explained after a moment’s thought. “It doesn’t care about poverty or whether a boy has parents.” I flashed back to the body of my mother, lying cold and dead. To my uncle Kenny and the hard lessons that both he, and life, had taught me. “It doesn’t care that I grew up small. My anger has always been so much larger than me.”

For the first time, my hand shook. Just a tiny wobble. I rinsed the blade and turned Erwin’s face.

“You’ve never been small,” he said. “Especially not to me.”

“You really _are_ going blind,” I snapped. “Last time I checked you were a full head taller than me.” I slapped the shoulder of his undamaged arm. “I come up to here.”

“I didn’t mean height. Your dreams are bigger than any of us.”

I wrenched my eyes away, absurdly pleased, absurdly embarrassed. There was no way to hide the way my face burned. 

“I think that Titan knocked your head when he chomped your arm off,” I muttered. Holding his chin firmly in place, I shaved his other cheek, then moved to his upper lip as he lapsed back into silence.

When I finished I rinsed the razor in the rapidly cooling water, then dried it on the towel. I wiped the towel over Erwin’s lower face, removing any stray bits of foam that I’d missed, and meticulously wiped my hands. 

“What hope is there for a one-armed man in this world?” Erwin asked, his voice so low that I strained to hear.

“The same hope as any man.” I didn’t – wouldn’t – accept his self-pity. “The hope that if we fight hard enough, fight with everything we have left, we can prevail. Because we _must_ prevail.”


	2. A Barber, A Barber, My Kingdom For A Barber...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a shave, Erwin needs a haircut. Levi - eventually - volunteers his services.

I visited Erwin the next day. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, wearing his uniform trousers and nothing else. The straps on his ODMG harness would be beyond him right now, but I had no doubt that, given enough time – and the right incentive – he would learn to fasten them again.

And I had no doubt that I had to provide that incentive. The rest of the Survey Corp treated him as a hero; the politicians treated him as a villain, a man with cap in hand, begging for money. To me, he was neither: - he was both. I neither worshipped nor hated him, though I suppose I had hated him at one time in my life. Now, he was one of the few people I respected. 

And he was sitting there with a bare chest, trying to shave with his left hand. 

I’d never seen any part of his naked skin before other than his hands, face, and neck, and it was impossible not to stare now. His torso was bisected by clean white bandages which had been wrapped around his ribs, over his right shoulder and down what remained of his arm, covering the stump. His skin was mottled with bruises, some old, mostly new. What I could see of his chest and abs rippled with muscles, a dusting of fine blonde hair – perhaps a shade or two darker than the hair on his head – arrowing down to the waistband of his trousers. The buttons were undone, revealing a flash of white cloth beneath. He couldn’t even manage his clothes, and he was trying to shave?

“You’re dripping foam on your feet,” I said as a greeting.

“And a good morning to you too.” He scraped the razor slowly down his right cheek, his left hand clumsy, the blade awkward. 

I made no further comment about his shaving abilities – or lack of them – because I was the one who who’d pushed him into learning how to compensate for his missing arm, and I knew that it was going to be an uphill struggle.

“You could do with a haircut,” I grumped as I crossed the room. My leg ached and throbbed. Some days were better than others. 

“Maybe I should grow it out,” Erwin suggested. His sharp eyes noticed my uneven gait, though I was trying hard to walk without a limp. “What do you think?”

“I think you should get your fucking hair cut.” I sat down on the visitor’s chair, biting back a sigh of relief. “Don’t look at me,” I added when he did just that. “I may be many things, but a barber is not one of them.”

I imagined him with longer hair, perhaps pulled back into a tail. I wasn’t sure whether it would suit him. His face was strong, hard – he needed an equally strong hair style.

And here I was, considering my Commander’s hair. I’d been out of action for too long. If I wasn’t careful I’d start spouting bits of history like Armin. 

“You’re leg’s paining you,” Erwin said. It was a question, not a statement, and I saw no point wasting energy by arguing.

“It’s not entirely healed yet,” I admitted. “I wouldn’t trust it in the field.”

“What a pair we make,” Erwin sighed. “I understand that Pixis has taken my place?”

“Temporarily,” I qualified. “He’s not thrilled with the assignment. But he understands the necessity. He’s taking advice from Mike, Hanji and Nanaba.”

Erwin’s sharp nod spoke volumes. He wasn’t happy with the situation, and he didn’t believe that he would ever see active duty again. If I allowed him to continue believing that, it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I had no desire – and more importantly, no patience – to serve under Dot Pixis for any length of time. The old drunkard knew his job, but his job was the Garrison. It was not the Survey Corp.

I watched as Erwin finished his first attempt at shaving left-handed. He hadn’t done a bad job, but he’d nicked his skin in several places. He wiped his face with the towel and tossed it on the floor. Scowling, I picked it up, put in a few neat folds, and placed it on the tray beside the bowls of water and foam.

He ran his hand through his hair – uncombed, the too-long ends beginning to curl – and glanced down at himself. His eyes widened as if he was noticing his half-dressed state for the first time.

“Whoever thought buttons on a pair of trousers was a good idea?” he mumbled.

“I’m not helping out with that,” I said, allowing him a rare grin. His answering bark of laughter was an unexpected delight.

He fumbled at the buttons, his slow progress as he fastened each one painful to watch. 

Then I realised what I was doing – staring at his crotch – and wrenched my eyes away, but not before he shot me a quick, puzzled look. 

I had no inclination to explain. He didn’t push for an answer, and I was glad, because the truth was a complicated thing; even maimed, even suffering and struggling, Erwin Smith was a beautiful man. I’d always thought so. Even when I’d hated him. 

I would never share that opinion. My sexuality – or supposed lack of it – was a source of great debate among the cadets. We’d made a game of it… or rather, I’d made a game of it. I listened to their whispers, their speculation, and fed on their increasing frustration. I found it deeply amusing.

Perverse? Perhaps. Contrary? Of course. Until Erwin ordered me to join the Corp, I’d never believed in marching to anyone’s beat but my own. But now his matched my own, and had become the strong beat of wings through the air. 

*****

I visited Erwin every day, coming early to avoid the rush: - he was a popular man, at least among the Corp. Often I would meet Hanji or Mike as I left, and Pixis made frequent visits. The old soldier looked increasingly stressed. Running the Corp was a job that separated the capable, experienced men from the drunkards. 

And every day, Erwin made progress. His left hand strengthened, became more dexterous, as his brain made new connections. I watched him and was proud. I’d never had any doubts as to his determination; once Erwin chose his course, he stuck to that path with dogged perseverance.

“My hair still need a cut,” he groused one morning, before I’d even sat down.

“And a good morning to you too,” I drawled, recalling his words from days ago and deliberately tossing them back at him.

“How can you be so cheerful in the face of my misery, Levi?”

For a moment I thought he was talking about his arm, and was horrified that he thought I could find any cheer in that situation. But then I realised – he was teasing me! I was glad that his sense of humour hadn’t been lost with his limb.

“Because I’m not the one who needs a haircut,” I said. “You know, all you have to do is ask for a barber...”

“I’ve already tried that.” His scowl was a formidable weapon under the right circumstances, but right now all it did was make me smirk. “But the nurses tell me no one’s willing to come, not after I...”

“After you virtually threw them out just for wanting to tame your whiskers?” I supplied.

He sagged. “Well. Yes.”

“Alright,” I said with an exaggerated sigh, “I _suppose_ I could be imposed upon to cut it for you.”

“You would do that?” Intense eyes fixed on mine, and I couldn’t look away. He’d spoken so soon – almost before I’d finished speaking, in fact – that a cynical man might have believed he’d lied about the barbers, just to manoeuvre me into a position where I would volunteer.

I was that cynical man. And I fully believed that I’d been manoeuvred. Erwin was good at that. 

In this instance, I didn’t mind. 

“Anything for a quiet life,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “And you might want to put on a shirt. If Hanji walks in before we’re done, she’ll probably throw herself at you.”

I stopped, realising that I’d said more than was prudent. Come to think of it, Erwin was rarely fully dressed when I came to visit. Could that, too, be a deliberate ploy?

“I need to fetch some scissors,” I muttered, to hide my confusion. “I’ll be right back.”

But I felt his eyes boring into me as I left the room, and knew that I hadn’t managed to disguise anything at all.

*****

While it was true that I’d spent many hours thinking about Erwin, it had always been in the abstract sense. A distant fantasy used to while away the dark, anxious hours before sleep took me down. I’d never stopped to consider whether those distant fantasies might be more attainable than I’d thought. Erwin was a fine specimen of manhood, in every way, and considered by many a desirable catch – strong, handsome, with a calm and mature attitude. Commander of the Survey Corp (although that, I was sure, was a mixed blessing). He was eloquent and persuasive, as evidenced by the funds he managed to secure for his soldiers. He was tireless, relentless, and – when occasion called for it – ruthless.

What I’d never once considered was that he was a sexual creature, with wants and desires of his own. In retrospect, that had been a terrible oversight. That wasn’t to say that he didn’t use sex – or more accurately, physical attraction, flattery and flirting – to get what he wanted at one endless fundraising ball after another. He smiled at the women, arched those magnificent eyebrows, and they fell over themselves to flirt.

But now I was beginning to wonder about that easy charm. There had been rumours – he was an officer, there were always rumours – but as his Captain, I knew that he had little time for assignations of any kind. I’d always considered him to be married to the job.

But if he considered himself _divorced_ from that job...

It worried me that I’d never seen the real Commander, the man behind the society balls, light flirtations and barked battlefield orders. But perhaps, since Erwin’s injury, he was beginning to show me glimpses?

And I couldn’t help but wonder – did he show them only to me?

*****

I returned promptly carrying a tray with everything I’d need. It had been some time since I’d cut another person’s hair – before my street days, in fact – but a simple trim was easy enough. 

Washing his hair first was an indulgence... but I didn’t think that Erwin would mind. I positioned the bowl on a stand beside his bed, then impatiently gestured for him to lean forward. 

“Close your eyes,” I ordered. He hadn’t yet put his shirt on. I didn’t nag again, knowing I’d only get the collar wet.

Erwin obeyed, bracing himself with his free arm over his knee. The muscles in his back and shoulders rippled. I reached for the jug of warm water and poured a little onto the back of his head. After a moment’s hesitation I worked it through his hair, ensuring the thick, dense strands were properly wetted. Pulling back to reach for the shampoo, I noticed that the muscles of his shoulders had tightened. Why would he be anxious about having his hair washed?

He hadn’t asked for a wash with the cut. But no – Erwin was a direct man, when he needed to be, and if he didn’t want this he would have said. That didn’t stop me feeling as if my touch was somehow repugnant to him. But I was committed to this course of action, and I was determined to see it through. 

Next time he could find his own damned barber.

I squeezed the shampoo into the palm of my hand and began working it through his hair, massaging his scalp as I’d learned from one of my mother’s friends. As I worked, I watched the way his shoulders rolled... and then relaxed.

“You’ve done this before,” he remarked. His voice had deepened, become huskier. 

“I’ve done many things before.” There, that was nicely enigmatic. I didn’t flirt – ever – so if he was interested, as I was coming to suspect, he would have to take what he could.

“Then I should thank whoever you practised on.”

“And what about me?”

“My thanks to you go without saying...”

“So you won’t say them?” I allowed myself a laugh, just a small one, and poured the jug of water over his head.

“What I will say is that you can take your time. I haven’t felt this relaxed since... well, ever.”

An absurd blush heated my face. I was glad that he couldn’t see.

“Make the most of it, old man. This is a one-time event because I feel sorry for you.”

His body stiffened. I wished that I could take the words back.

“I didn’t mean...” I cleared my throat.

Erwin’s muscles unclenched. I fought the urge to smooth my fingers over his shoulders. 

“I know what you meant.” He sounded amused. “But I’m expecting everyone’s pity. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected yours.”

I didn’t pity him; I sympathised. I empathised. 

“Pity is for those who can’t change their situation,” I remarked.

“I’m no Titan, Levi. I can’t grow my arm back.” That humour was still in his voice, though it seemed sharper now. 

“I simply meant that you’ll learn to carry on with only one.”

“Your faith in me is a little... unnerving.” The humour was definitely fading.

“You’ve kept the Corp together all these years. You can do anything.”

I fell silent, embarrassed by my own flapping tongue. I didn’t give compliments, but I’d come to believe in speaking the truth. I _believed_ that Erwin could take up the mantle of Commander again, because the Corp needed him. I needed him.

I made sure that all the shampoo was rinsed from his hair. I took my time, simply enjoying the feel of the wet strands under my fingers. The warmth of his scalp against my palm was a surprisingly erotic sensation, and I understood why my mother’s friends had offered this as a service. When I was sure that Erwin’s hair was clean, I towelled most of the moisture away.

“You can sit up now,” I said. He straightened, the muscles in his back rippling again. I draped the towel around his shoulders. 

Slowly, with comb and scissors, I snipped and trimmed until his hair was short and neat, as it should be. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said as I used a small dustpan and brush to sweep up the excess hair. “Clean clothes, a haircut and a shave – I feel like a new man.”

“Clean clothes?” I remarked. “You’re barely wearing any.”

His rich chuckle sent pleasurable shivers down my spine.


	3. Mad Science And Intimate Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi, Hanji and Mike are determined to modify the ODMG so that it can be used by their one-armed Commander. Meanwhile Erwin practises writing with his left hand... and discovers rather more than his terrible hand-writing.

Erwin made progress, and I made plans. Even as he was learning to dress himself, to wash with only one hand, to comb his hair and brush his teeth – to pick up a pen and form awkward, slanting letters – I was in discussion with Mike and Hanji.

“He can learn to ride a horse with one hand,” I said, bringing the cup to my lips and sipping, “though it will be difficult.” The tea was light and refreshing. “What he can’t do is use the ODMG in his current state. We need to fix that.”

“And how do you propose we do that?” he asked, nose twitching as he sniffed at my drink. “Grow him a new arm?”

“Of course he’s not suggesting that!” Hanji’s eyes glowed with excitement, emphasised by her glasses. “He’s suggesting we change the ODMG!”

“How the hell are we supposed to do that?” Mike demanded. “Our gear is made in the factories!”

“Am I or am I not a scientist?” The light in her eyes glowed even brighter, and I concealed a thin smile. All it took sometimes was a few words to the right people. Was this how Erwin felt?

“You’re a _mad_ scientist,” Mike grumbled.

“It’ll be difficult.” Hanji made a fist, her eyes distant now. “But I know how the gear works. I can make some designs... use broken equipment for parts...” Her fist drooped. “He’ll only be able to use one blade. He’ll only have one controller for the grapples. The modifications will have to be extreme.”

“The Survey Corp never do anything by halves,” I said, and finished my tea.

*****

“Who’d have thought that learning to write again would be so damned hard?” Erwin growled. 

He’d been released from the hospital wing (or, as I suspected, he’d badgered and hectored until the nurses let him go, with their blessing and a sigh of relief) and was officially in ‘recovery’. The bandages still remained over the stump of his arm, and though the wound was healing as well as could be expected I knew that it still pained him. He never complained, but I recognised the way the skin around his eyes tightened. The way his jaw clenched. 

“Learning to write as a child was difficult enough,” I remarked from my position on the other side of his desk. I sat at an angle, one leg crossed over the other, sipping my tea. I doubted that Erwin would ever say so, but I knew that he enjoyed my company – I understood the value of quiet, of occasional conversation. He _did_ spend time with others, though we both knew that Hanji talked too much and Mike... well, was Mike. 

The first time I’d brought Erwin tea, he’d asked me to lock the door. I’d thought – hoped? – that he intended to ravish me across the desk (a fantasy that I was beginning to have more often since his injury) but no: - he wanted to practise his letters without fear of interruption or scorn.

“It’s not like I don’t know how the words are supposed to be form – _ah!”_ He dropped the pen, waving his hand, face locked in a tight grimace of pain. _“Cramp!”_

I set my cup aside and grabbed his hand in both of mine. His fingers had clenched in on his palm; I forced them apart and dug my thumb into his flesh so hard that it brought another yelp to his lips. I kept digging, working out the cramp as Erwin clamped his mouth shut, gritting his teeth. Gradually I felt the muscles loosen.

“That’s nature’s way of telling you to take a break,” I sighed, reaching for my cup again. A quick sip confirmed that it had cooled, but was still drinkable. 

“I don’t have the luxury of taking a break.” He placed his hand flat to the desk, keeping his fingers stretched out. A light sheen of sweat had broken out on his forehead, a testament to his discomfort. People forgot how much pain cramp could cause – until it struck them.

“Rest, Erwin, or you’ll cramp again. Next time you could ask Hanji to massage it out for you.”

“That’s cruel, Levi…”

My lips twitched in a smirk. “I’m a good soldier. I never said I was a good man.”

“You’re an excellent soldier.” His piercing eyes met mine, holding them in place. “And... you’re an excellent man.”

An unexpected blush coloured my cheeks. I dipped my head to hide my face. Too late – I knew that he’d seen. 

“There are other ways to exercise your hand,” I blurted, wanting to embarrass him. “A big, healthy man like you –”

_“Healthy?_ I’m missing an arm –”

“– must have needs,” I finished, talking over him.

He didn’t seem the slightest bit embarrassed. In the end it was me who looked away. Silence stretched between us, taut and painful.

“Shall I tell you about my needs, Levi?” he said eventually. His voice had dropped to a soft rumble that I’d never heard before, a rumble that made me drag my eyes back to his. “Shall I tell you about the man who can never be himself? The man who goes to balls and flirts with women he can’t stand, just to scrape together a few extra coins to protect the soldiers he’d die for?”

“Erwin –” I didn’t know where he was going with this, but suddenly I didn’t want to hear.

_“No.”_ His passion startled me. “I need the one person in the world who I can be myself around. The man who understands the weight of leadership and, more importantly, the cost. Not just my arm,” he shook his head, dismissive, “but my right to a _connection._ Before death comes for me, I need someone to hold on to!”

“This man,” I said, picking my words with care as I worked through my shock. “What parts of him do you need?” I swallowed the final mouthful of tea but kept the cup and saucer, needing something to keep me anchored. “Friendship? More?”

“Everything,” Erwin croaked. “I need everything that he has to give.”

“Even the strength of his strong right hand?”

I’d hoped to amuse him, to defuse the tension between us, and his deep, rich belly-laugh was exactly what I wanted. 

“Ever wonder about the phrase ‘right-hand man’?” he asked. “I’m sure that’s not what they meant, but...”

“We’ve skirted around the edge of this,” I interrupted, “so I’m just going to come right out and fucking say it. I can give you everything you want.”

His eyes closed. He bowed his head.

“I’ve waited so long for you to say something like that to me,” he said, opening his eyes again and raising his face. He speared me with a look, irises burning. “And I’ve also longed to teach that smart mouth of yours a lesson. But Levi...” He sighed. “I won’t have you going into this blind. I’m a crippled man. You offer me everything, but what can I offer you in return?”

“Was your sense of honour bitten off?” I snarled, leaning forward and dumping my cup and saucer. I was so done with dancing around this! “Was your drive and determination swallowed along with your arm? No? More importantly,” I jumped to my feet and planted both hands on his desk, furious that he continued to put himself down, “was your cock bitten off?”

I glared down at him, incensed. Panting hard. Erwin’s face was slack, his mouth open. 

Then he grabbed my cravat and kissed me.

I was too startled to react, stunned by the punishing force of his lips on mine. My mouth opened and his tongue plunged inside. There was no finesse, just wet heat and a tremendous sense of _want._

Finally gathering my scrambled brains together, I pushed my tongue out to meet his. I tilted my head to get a better angle, to deepen the kiss, and that was when Erwin wrenched himself away, throwing himself back with such force that he sent his chair skittering across the floor. 

We stared at each other across the desk. When he didn’t speak I straightened, fingers centring my cravat without needing to look. I felt hollow, as if I’d been given something special – only to have it taken away.

“Is that it?” I demanded, rough.

“I’m – I’m sorry,” he rasped, running a hand through his hair. “You’re the first man I’ve ever kissed...”

I dropped back into my chair, stunned all over again. “You’ve never fucked a man?”

He blanched at my direct words, and I was angry all over again. I thought that he knew me well enough not to be shocked by my language.

Then I realised – it wasn’t the choice of words, it was the meaning. 

“No,” he admitted eventually. His face was flushed, sweat bringing a light sheen to his skin. “I’ve never... done anything with a man. You’re the first.”

Holy flaming Titans. Commander Erwin Smith – strong, confident, determined – had just come out. To me. I understood the enormity of what he’d confessed, the guts it must have taken to finally act on desires he’d kept hidden. How long had he kept hold of that secret? Months? Years? When had he first accepted his sexuality? I had so many questions, but this was the wrong time to ask them. 

“If I’m the first, then I’m honoured,” I said, grave, catching his eyes. “Also, horny.”

That startled a laugh from him, as I’d hoped. I knew just how difficult life must have been. It was against the rules for soldiers to ‘fraternise’, a polite word for fucking. That didn’t mean that it didn’t happen. But Erwin had his reputation to maintain; he couldn’t be seen to slake his baser desires. 

It had always been easier for me. I’d already sown my wild oats before I’d joined the Corp, and if I was desperate for a warm body I was able to sneak away to the seedier parts of the city. Erwin didn’t have those contacts – or that luxury.

He must have been so lonely.

As Erwin’s laugh ended he lapsed into silence. I’d never seen him tongue-tied, but I was seeing lots of behaviour that I’d never seen before.

“We can take this as slow as you need,” I told him. “Though not, I hope, so slow that one of us gets eaten by a Titan before you fuck me.” There was no doubt in my mind that he would top; I wanted to feel his muscled bulk pressing me into the mattress. Although we’d have to consider the logistics of that, when he only had one arm to support his weight… 

His face was red. “Have you got a smart mouth in bed, too?”

I gave him a wicked grin. “You’ll find out.”

*****

Nothing else happened that day. Erwin really did need a break from his letters, and we both needed the chance to get our bodies under control. I took my leave of him, citing a need to check on the recruits, knowing that I would see him again at dinner. 

By confessing his secret to me, Erwin had put his emotions on the line. Hell, he’d put his _career_ on the line. It was only right that whatever was now between us should progress at his own pace.


	4. One-Handed Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin learns to ride a horse again, controlling his reins using the one-handed method. When he practises his writing again Levi is determined to show him that losing an arm is no barrier to enjoyment.

“This damned animal is going to kill me before I ever get out in the field!”

“Are you a mouse or a man?” I taunted, leaning casually against the stable wall. 

“Riding one-handed is not a skill habitually taught to regular soldiers,” he grunted, eyeing the stabled horses with mistrust.

Nor was it a skill that I possessed, so my presence today was purely for moral support in the form of sarcasm. We were waiting for Arthur, Captain of the Horses, and he was late. I didn’t mind. What Arthur didn’t know about our equine companions wasn’t worth knowing. Besides, his tardiness gave me an extra few moments alone with Erwin. 

“You’re not a regular soldier,” I remarked. “You’re the Commander, so you have to be better at everything.”

“There’s only one thing I want to be good at.” 

His eyes bored into mine like diamond drills. My erection pushed against my uniform trousers. 

“I look forward to testing you,” I replied, cool as a cucumber. 

Erwin blushed. It was delicious.

There’d been no repeat performances of the afternoon in his office, primarily because this was the first time that we’d spent alone since. I wouldn’t risk discovery by starting anything in public – to protect the Commander’s reputation more than mine – but damn, if the idea of a good hard fuck up against the stable wall didn’t get me going. 

My reverie was interrupted by Arthur’s arrival. He was a tall, well-muscled man in his late fifties, though he could pass for ten or even fifteen years younger; he had waves of inky black hair tied back, appropriately, in a ponytail, without a hint of grey. His face was unlined despite hours spent outside, though his rough, callused hands bore the brunt of his activity. Arthur was a man who could haul down a rearing stallion without breaking a sweat.

What he would do with the blonde stallion beside me, I had yet to see.

“Arthur,” Erwin nodded at the man.

“Commander. Apologies for my lateness.” He had a gruff voice, and he didn’t offer up any excuses. I liked that.

“No apologies needed. You may end up wishing that you’d been later before we’re finished here today.”

“You’ve got the balance of an acrobat,” Arthur laughed. “You’ve nothing to worry about.”

The next few hours proved him correct. As soldiers of the Survey Corp, we already had a heightened sense of balance and fine muscle control, and once Erwin understood how to handle the reins he settled into the lesson. I watched with interest, perched on top of the fence surrounding the paddock, as Arthur shortened the reins on Erwin’s horse and explained how they needed to be held. Riding one-handed required a certain level of finesse. Erwin wouldn’t need many lessons, especially as his general control of his left hand increased.

And I had to admit – there was no more powerful a sight than my Commander, a beautiful blonde giant of a man, sat astride a massive horse. Seeing him pound across the wilds would be the ultimate show of strength and control, and I couldn’t control the hard shiver of desire that seized my body.

*****

I sat with Erwin a few days later, drinking tea once more while he practised his letters. His control was already markedly better, his words easily legible if not as precise as they had once been. 

And once again Erwin had asked me to lock the door.

There was an air of expectancy in the office, one that I hoped I wasn’t imagining. We didn’t speak much, beyond a brief conversation regarding the cadets, but there was nothing awkward about our silences. 

“I think I’m getting cramp,” he grimaced, setting his pen down.

I set my tea aside, eyes gleaming.

“If you want to kiss me again, all you have to do is say.”

He leaned back in his chair, visibly nervous, and licked his lips.

“I want to kiss you.” His voice was husky.

I was going to do more than kiss him, if he let me. I stood and walked around the desk. He watched me with wide, anxious eyes, excited, yet nervous, standing as I reached him.

I grabbed the dangling cords of his bolo and gently tugged, bringing his head down to my level. I knew that he was tall – it was impossible to miss – but I’d had no real appreciation of the height difference until I was close to him. 

“So kiss me,” I whispered, mouth inches from his.

His hand curled around my narrow hip. His hold was gentle yet undeniably possessive, sending a thrill of arousal through my already-aroused body. I felt his breath against my face, warm and tea-scented. His mouth pressed down on mine.

This tentative exploration was a marked contrast from the explosive passion of our first kiss, and I let him lead. When the tip of his tongue traced over my lips I parted them, encouraging his exploration. But as soon as my tongue found his all rational thought fled my brain. My cock throbbed and I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to get closer to him. Part of me wanted to cling to him like a limpet, to just climb his body and wrap my legs around his waist. My lust startled me, and I had to clamp down on my need. The last thing I wanted to do was frighten him away. 

Erwin stumbled back, thumping against the wall, dragging me with him. I tightened my grip as he tightened his and I pushed between his open legs, growling as his body heat seeped into me, as his erection – hard and eager – ground against my stomach. 

I deepened the kiss and let him plunder my mouth, taking what he wanted, what I wanted him to have. When he finally raised his head his eyes were half-lidded, blazing like sapphires under lamplight. His lips were swollen and wet, so delicious a temptation that I pulled him back down for another kiss.

“Is it always this good?” he groaned when he raised his head again.

“I’ll be honest.” I stared up into his eyes. “For me, it’s never been better. And if you admit that to any of the others I’ve kissed I’ll shank you.”

“You won’t be kissing anyone else.” His hand moved from my hip to clamp on my bottom, squeezing. I drew a sharp breath. “Or touching anyone else.” He trailed hot, damp kisses down my cheek.

“Possessive, Erwin?” I fucking loved it. I wanted his possession, in every way.

“You make me want to be possessive.” 

It was time to show him what else I could make him want. Uncurling my arms from his neck, I trailed my hands down the front of his shirt until they reached his belt. Understanding filled his eyes. I hadn’t thought it possible for them to blaze any brighter, but they did, burning into mine as he let me go.

As much as I wanted to drop to my knees, it just wasn’t an option with a man as tall as him unless I wanted his cock comically out of reach. I tipped my head to his chair. He caught on immediately and moved with one graceful, fluid movement, left hand working – still a little awkward – on his belt buckle and buttons. He tugged his trousers and pants down a few inches as he sat, so that as I moved to follow him his cock was already waiting for me.

I stared at him for a few moments, caught by two observations – one, that as exposed as he was, he looked like a filthy fantasy come true – and two, that he had an enormous cock.

“I’ve never seen you speechless,” he remarked, stroking a slow hand over his length. I wasn’t drooling, but it wasn’t far off. 

“And I’ve never seen your dick,” I said, pushing his knees further apart and kneeling between them. “So now I guess we’re even.”

I started licking his cock as if it was one of the flavoured ices sold in the city during summer, trying to work out how much I could get in my mouth. His sharp intake of breath was music to my ears, and the way it became a groan as I closed my lips around the head was a symphony. I flicked my tongue over his slit, tasting his precum, delighting in the way his hips arched. If this was his response to a few casual touches, I couldn’t wait to hear him in the throes of orgasm.

Relaxing my mouth, eyes closed, I let more of his length slide between my lips. I lashed him with my tongue, swirling my saliva, gently sucking. He shuddered, a groan locked between his clenched teeth. His hand splayed over the top of my head, fingers skittering through my hair. I worried for a moment that he might try to press me down, but I needn’t have feared: - his hand slid instead to the nape of my neck.

Relaxing my throat further, I took as much of him as I was able, then began working him in earnest, head bobbing up and down, the obscene slurp of my lips over his length almost as loud as his ragged breath. 

It was too much for my self-control. I scrabbled at my belt and got my cock free in record time. I gripped it hard, each stroke rough, fast, pushing me closer to the edge. Each of my moans vibrated against Erwin’s cock, wrenching an answering moan from his throat. 

“Levi! I’m going to...!”

I wanted it. I wanted it all, everything he had to give, including this. I redoubled my efforts and was rewarded by his hoarse shout, then a flood of salty liquid as he shot in my mouth. I swallowed and swallowed again, and kept swallowing until it was all gone.

His orgasm lasted longer than I would have imagined, leaving him trembling and twitching with aftershocks that were unbearably erotic to watch. I lifted my mouth from his shrinking cock – noticing with keen interest that it was still half-hard – and gave my aching jaws a break, leaning back on my haunches. I supported myself with my free hand, the other wrapped around the erection that jutted angrily up from my lap.

Erwin – unspeaking, unmoving save for the dying trembles of his orgasm – watched me with hawk-like intensity. I was going to come for him, balls drawn tight against my body, jerking hand pushing me higher and higher.

My eyes locked with his. I couldn’t look away. When I came it was with his eyes still on mine, the intimacy making my pleasure exponentially more exquisite. I shot all over my hand, the wet slap of skin over skin punctuating my shuddering moan. I slumped, exhausted, trying to gather the scattered pieces of my mind, finally breaking eye contact.

Erwin leaned forward and grabbed my dripping hand. My eyes flew back to his; I wondered what the hell he was playing at until he started sucking my fingers clean.

“You filthy bastard,” I groaned. If I’d been able I’d have had another erection right there and then. His tongue, the hot sheath of his mouth, was beyond erotic.

“That’s ‘Commander’ to you,” he chuckled when he was done with my fingers. He handed me a clean handkerchief. Fastidious, I wiped my cock dry and fastened my trousers and belt. Erwin helped me stand. My legs were unusually shaky.

I tried to put the soiled handkerchief in my pocket, meaning to launder and return it to him, but he took it back.

“Mine.” His growl was deliciously possessive, and I knew that he wasn’t just talking about the handkerchief.

I returned to my seat, sated, tired, and happy. I’d forgotten that I’d finished my tea.

Erwin’s lips brushed over the side of my neck, pushing down my cravat.

“Let’s get you some more tea.”

*****

Things continued this way for another few weeks. Erwin spent his mornings at the stables, not just perfecting his one-handed riding technique but also helping the stable-hands with their chores: - mucking out, cleaning tack, currying horses. I kept him company when I was able, but my time – and that of Hanji and Mike – was split between supervising the cadets and assisting Pixis. The drunken old fool was proving himself not such the fool, and I revised my original estimation of the man. He was competent and level-headed, if somewhat unorthodox. 

The afternoons were mine and Erwin’s alone, and we locked ourselves away in his office. His writing improved... and so did his oral skills. The first time I came in his mouth, I’d wanted to cry – the pleasure was so exquisite, so beautiful, that my emotions were barely under control. So I’d deflected with a string of obscenities. 

It hadn’t been enough of a deflection. Erwin knew me too well. He’d held me close, arm around my waist, my face pressed into his chest. During those few moments I’d been able to delude myself that I was safe, that the Titans were a myth, and that somehow – some way – we could have a happy ever after. 

But before I’d even stepped out of his embrace, I’d known the truth. No one ever had a happy ending because everyone always died. And that was the only ending a soldier of the Survey Corp could have.

I’d always known how it would end. I’d cared, once upon a time; the people who’d joined the Corp with me had been more like family than friends, and I’d lost them. I’d wanted death to come for me, too. Then I’d lost more friends. But Death was a cruel, heartless bastard – it never struck when you wanted, only when you had a reason to live. I’d taken risk after risk in the field, earning myself a reputation I’d never wanted, yet still I hadn’t died.

And here I was now, with a reason to live. And I wanted to be that reason for Erwin. Was it arrogant of me to think that my constant steam of sarcasm pushed him to succeed, to learn what a one-armed man could achieve? Perhaps. But it wasn’t just me who needed a reason to live. It was all the cadets, all the seasoned soldiers who’d seen horrors beyond imagining. Only they weren’t beyond imagination anymore, because they saw them all the time... particularly in their nightmares.

Erwin was their beacon, their shining light in the darkness. So I pushed him. I needled him. And in those hours alone in his office, I loved him, as much as he would let me; desperate kisses that usually ended up with his cock in my mouth – or mine in his. Because he was my beacon, too, and I would take his light into the dark void of my soul for as long as I was able. 

Plus, the son of a bitch made a mean pot of tea.


	5. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Hanji reveal their modified gear. After extensive testing Erwin retires to his room, and other things are revealed.

“How’s our project coming along?” I asked Hanji one evening at dinner. Erwin was late – he was having his stump checked and the bandages changed. I hoped that soon they’d come off altogether.

Hanji looked unusually stressed. One of the lenses on her glasses had cracked, and her hair was a fine, flyaway mess. 

“I always knew it would be a difficult job.” Her voice was hoarse, and her restless fingers scrabbled on the wooden table. “I didn’t realise that it would be an _impossible_ job!”

“She’s running herself ragged,” Mike added, dropping onto the bench beside her, tray of food in hand. His nostrils flared, automatically sampling the scents in the room. “She mis-calibrated one of the instruments today and it exploded.”

“Is that why your shitty glasses look even shittier, Hanji?”

“Oh sure, mock the woman with an eyesight impediment.” Her laugh was even more high-pitched than usual, grating on my nerves.

“I’m sorry.” 

They both stared at me. 

“Anyone would think I never apologised...” I said, heaping mashed potato onto my fork.

“I can’t get the grappling hook section of the ODMG to work,” Hanji croaked, ignoring my humour. “I can’t figure out a way for it to be operated with one hand!”

Erwin’s riding lesson from this morning was still fresh in my mind.

“I think I may be able to help with that...”

*****

“What the hell is that?” Erwin demanded. 

“Personalised ODMG, _sir!”_ Hanji was beaming, thrumming with such excitement that every part of her – from her voice, her smile, even the tip of her perky ponytail – seemed lifted. 

“And we know that this will work because....?”

“Well, sir, I hope it will work, I mean the theory’s sound –”

“It’ll work,” I interrupted. “I have every confidence in Hanji’s abilities.”

Erwin stared at me. “Alright,” he said, slow. Something told me that he was acting on my assertion, rather than Hanji’s. 

We watched as he set about fastening the many buckles and straps that formed the harness of the ODMG. His movements were understandably slower than they had been before he lost his arm, but his left hand still moved with impressive dexterity and flexibility. 

The modified gear still comprised of two lightweight metal boxes, but only one contained replacement blades. The other was a weighted counter-balance. I watched as he strapped the boxes to his harness, adjusting the fit, studying them with interest. 

“Take a look at your new blades, sir!” Hanji was almost dancing on the spot, she was so excited. This was one of the reasons I’d always admired her – her specific brand of madness ensured that she was always relentlessly cheerful, even when she was miserable.

Erwin’s fingers closed around the hand grip emerging from his one blade-stocked box. 

As he withdrew his modified weapon the blades slid free with the smooth, familiar swish of super-hardened steel against steel. I watched Erwin’s face as he examined the weapon, watched his delight as he realised that the hand grip had sockets for two parallel blades rather than one. His arm shot out, blades slicing the air as he manoeuvred the weapon with brutal efficiency. His delighted laugh rolled out over the practice field. _There_ was the Commander we needed!

“But how can I operate the grapples with one hand?” he demanded, turning serious eyes on Hanji.

“You can thank Levi for that one! Take a look at the hand grip, sir!”

Hard eyes pinned me to the spot. I stood fast, unwavering, doing my best to affect disinterest. 

Erwin studied the equipment with dawning understanding. The traditional mechanism relied on a trigger being squeezed; Hanji had modified this one with a series of cables that replicated the arrangement of reins being used in the one-handed style. With a little further modification to ensure that only slight hand and finger movements would be required, Erwin had a fully functioning ODMG.

“You suggested this?” Erwin demanded. His eyes blazed in the way I’d come to recognise, the way that signalled his desire to kiss me. My body reacted and I shifted, uncomfortable. There was no way to hide my erection. I just had to hope that Hanji was too intent on Erwin to notice.

I shrugged, trying to downplay my involvement. But Erwin wasn’t fooled. Returning his blades to the box and hooking the hand grip back onto the harness, he clapped his hand down on my shoulder, fingers digging into my flesh. His grip was painful but there was so much emotion conveyed in that one touch.

“You’re going to break my fucking shoulder,” I snapped. Well, I _did_ have standards to maintain. 

“Not you,” he said, an unusual hoarseness to his voice. “You’ll never break.”

*****

We spent the rest of the day helping Erwin adjust to his new gear. He already had phenomenal balance, but he’d lost confidence along with his arm – getting that confidence back was going to take time. He hung in the training frame, getting used to the feel of his harness again. I knew that the pressure of straps over his shoulder and around his chest was hurting his stump. He didn’t say so, but it was there in the way his face tightened, the way he ground his teeth together. But he never once called a halt.

We supervised as he tested the modified gear in the cadet’s training ground, flying on either side of him as he hopped from tree to tree. If he faltered, if he lost control or his balance failed, Hanji and I would be there to catch him.

Erwin pushed himself to his limit, sweat staining his shirt and slicking his hair to his head. We lowly humans – fit and healthy as we were – struggled to keep pace with him, and eventually it was us who called time on the training exercise.

“Why?” Erwin demanded. “I feel as if I could go for hours –”

_“We_ can’t, sir!” Hanji exclaimed, blowing her sweaty fringe out of her face. “Truth be told I think I could use a nap right now!”

“Take a shower first,” I drawled. “You stink. But Erwin, you need to rest. You tell me you’re healing well, and I don’t want to jeopardise that.”

He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘spoil sport’. 

“Very well,” he said, more audibly. “Thank you, Hanji, for your hard work on this truly extraordinary gear. I am forever in your debt. And yours, Levi.”

“Nonsense. There’s no debt.”

There could never be a debt. By regaining his field position, by taking up the mantle of Commander once more, we were in his debt. He was doing us a service that could never be repaid. He understood – I knew that he understood – but he chose to heap the praise on us instead. 

Back on the ground, Erwin leaned heavily against a tree. There was a pallor to his skin that hadn’t been there before: - his over-exertion was finally catching up with him.

“Would you like me to bring dinner to your room?” I asked. 

I could have asked one of the cadets. But I relished every moment I was able to spend alone with him, regardless of whether physical intimacy came into play. He was calming to be around.

“Yes, please,” he said. “I’m going to shower and perhaps retire early.” He flashed a small, grateful smile at Hanji. “Once again, Zoe, my thanks.”

*****

Officers had their own shower block. I spent the next fifteen or twenty minutes dawdling with my harness, taking my time to remove it and put it away in my quarters, gathering my shower things. I’d showered with Erwin many times before, but not since our relationship had changed.

And there was that word. Relationship. We had one, and it was working on many different levels; to our colleagues, the cadets, anyone who looked, Erwin was my Commander and I was his Captain. There were clearly defined boundaries. He was my superior, one of only a few men with the power to give me orders. One of even fewer still who I would obey.

But below that, away from prying eyes, we were so much more. Every touch, every kiss – the way he stroked my cock to fever pitch, leaving me a quivering, panting mess on his office floor – spoke of desperate longing. We hadn’t yet had sex, but his increasing desire was obvious. I knew… I _hoped…_ that it wouldn’t be long.

We understood each other on a deep, fundamental level, understood our motivations, our driving forces. He saw and accepted my weaknesses, my flaws, as I accepted his. I had never experienced love, and was hesitant to attach that label to my current feelings... but my mind turned in that direction with increasing frequency. 

Love was dangerous. It could make you weak. I also knew that it could give you the strength to do what needed to be done. A double-edged blade, indeed.

When I finally reached the shower block it was empty, though still moist with steam. And someone had written, in blocky, left-handed letters, the words ‘Missed you’.

*****

I took the world’s quickest shower, dressed in clean clothes, and made a quick pit stop to the kitchens. I carried a tray of simple, nourishing food – hot soup and fresh, crusty bread – to the Commander’s room, knocking on his door.

“Come in.”

I pushed open the door and closed it behind me.

“Lock it?” Erwin asked. I smiled, placed the tray on his table, and locked the door.

“Your writing is improving,” I remarked as I straightened. He was leaning with one shoulder against the wall, hand in his pocket, looking through the window.

“I have fantasies of seeing you in the shower,” he replied, absent, his attention on something outside.

And now I did, too. But I didn’t fool myself that Erwin was up to any physical exertion this evening, not after pushing himself so hard with his new gear.

“You know that can’t happen.”

He turned to look at me. The sadness I saw in his eyes was unexpected.

“If we weren’t part of the Survey Corp we could live as we wished,” he said.

“We could,” I acknowledged with a slight tilt of my head. “But can you honestly say that you’d be happier?”

“With you? Away from the threat of Titan attacks? Yes.” His eyes bored into mine. “Yes, I could.”

“Really?” I arched my eyebrows. “You don’t get a thrill from flying?”

“I know what gives me thrills.” His voice was a low rumble. I had to work not to respond, when all I wanted to do was climb up his body and kiss him.

“Eat your soup before it gets cold,” I admonished. 

He crossed to the table and sat, gesturing for me to join him. I sat opposite, one leg crossed over the other, watching him eat. He didn’t ask me to leave. I didn’t ask to stay. It was just understood that I’d remain. 

“You should get some sleep,” I said.

He studied my face, gaze moving over my forehead, my cheeks, lingering on my mouth before meeting my eyes again.

“You could stay with me tonight.”

I drew a sharp breath. He’d never made that suggestion before. Then again, I hadn’t been to his sleeping quarters before.

“I’d like that.”

Those blue eyes blazed, a triumphant smile lifting his face. 

“I wasn’t sure that you would,” he said, letting out a breath.

“Well, your shitty choice of furniture is putting me off...”

Erwin threw his head back and laughed. I studied his chin, the column of his neck. I wanted to slide my tongue over his throat. He pushed his chair back from the table, legs open wide.

“Come here, Levi.” 

I sauntered around the table. He could have me – would have me, I hoped – anytime he liked, but that didn’t mean that I had to make it easy for him.

When I was close enough he grabbed my hand, pulling me between his legs. His arm circled my waist. I looped my arms lightly around his neck.

“I want to...” He trailed off, uncertainty clouding his eyes before he looked away.

I took his chin between my fingers and tilted his head up, encouraging him to look at me.

“Say it, Erwin. I need to hear you say it.”

“I want to make love to you.”

Not sex. Not fucking. I would have been comfortable with either word – had expected it, hoped for it – but he just had to set the bar as high as he could. Over-achiever.

I took my time responding, letting my fingers curl around the side of his face. I leaned down until our lips were an inch apart, considering, wondering if he could hear the way my heart hammered.

“Good,” I murmured. I had to be honest with him. “Because I want you to make love to me.”

His eyes burned as he tried to catch my lips with his own, but I laughed and stepped back. He closed his legs and tried to trap me. I was too fast.

“Take a nap, old man,” I taunted. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

“I’m the fucking Commander of the Survey Corp!” he growled, heavy eyebrows crashing together. “Not some toddler who needs to be put down for a rest!”

My heart thudded even faster. He was a calm, controlled man, but I loved it when he lost control, if only for a few seconds. 

“You’re a man who’s pushed himself too hard,” I said. “If you don’t rest now, you won’t last when I put you through your paces.”

“You make me sound like a horse.” His anger had vanished, distracted by a much more tempting morsel. 

“That’s because I’ll be riding you.”

A wave of pink stained his cheeks. I liked making him blush. I liked making him speechless even more.

“Go and lie down,” I suggested. 

Erwin rose, his movements slow and a little awkward. The exercise really _had_ tired him. He towered over me, a mountain ready to topple, still clinging on by the roots. 

“Lie down with me?”

I nodded. I liked seeing Erwin’s more vulnerable side, the side that asked questions rather than gave orders, purely because he showed it to no one else. To the world he was the stoic Commander, indefatigable, if not undefeatable. They looked to him for support.

And Erwin? Where did he find his support?

Me. He found it with me.

I watched as he sat on the edge of the bed, pulling off his boots with his one strong, capable hand. If I thought about being Erwin’s support in any great detail I would crumble, because the responsibility of keeping him going – keeping him whole and healthy – was immense. I had an inkling of how he felt, trying to protect everyone. To keep the system working.

I didn’t give a shit about the system. I did give a shit about Erwin.

He lay back on the bed, arm braced behind his head on the pillows. I pulled off my own boots, arranged both pairs by the wall, and climbed up beside him on the bed.

I’d meant to do nothing more than sit up and watch him nap, but his arm snaked out and tugged me down.

“Closer,” he said. “I want you so close that I’d be holding you, if I still had my arm.”

I wasn’t going to let his sappy words penetrate my hard outer shell, but fuck. I was beginning to think that shell was well and truly cracked. Careful not to jostle his stump, I rolled into his side, arm draped over his body. It was so easy just to rest my head on his cavernous chest, to feel the motion of his ribs. His heartbeat echoed in my ear, fast at first before it gradually slowed. 

His gentle warmth was a drug. Either that or _I_ was more tired than I’d imagined. Whichever was true – or perhaps both were – I followed Erwin down into soft, blanketing sleep.


	6. Rewards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the privacy of Erwin's room, they can finally express their feelings for each other.

I snapped awake, running through the same basic checklist that had kept me alive as I grew up Underground – sound, sensation, smell. What could I hear? Where was I sleeping? Were there any unusual scents? Eyesight was always the last to get in on the act, and for good reason; I’d always known whether I was in danger long before they opened. 

The unsteady beat of a heart in my ears. A hard pillow, a gentle rise and fall. The smell of man and soap filled my nose.

I wasn’t in danger. I was on Erwin’s bed, tucked against his side. I was safe. And I knew that he was no longer asleep.

“Have you been talking to Mike about cologne?” I mumbled, the taunt a way of building up some armour – any kind of armour – before Erwin stripped it away.

“How did you know that I was awake?” He sounded astonished. 

“Your heartbeat.” I opened my eyes and rolled away from him, working out the crick in my neck. “It’s all over the place.”

“That’s _your _fault.”__

__“Oh, shut up and kiss me already.” And just like that, my armour was gone._ _

__Rather than the hard, plundering kiss I wanted, the brush of his lips over mine was a tease, there and gone. His deep, rich chuckle made me dig a knuckle into his ribs._ _

__“Kiss me like you mean it!” I hissed._ _

__He hauled me close, his kiss demanding. I hadn’t been expecting his response – even though I’d exhorted him to try harder – and had no defence against him._ _

__Not that I would have put up _much _resistance.___ _

____“Still the best way to silence your smart mouth,” he panted._ _ _ _

____“I thought you liked my smart mouth?” I asked, cupping his erection to let him know exactly what I meant._ _ _ _

____“I like it... occupied.”_ _ _ _

____“That’s a terrible way to ask for a blowjob, Erwin.”_ _ _ _

____A rumbling laugh was the only answer he gave. Well, he was going to pay for that._ _ _ _

____“Sit up,” I ordered. He obeyed without comment, a knowing smile on his face. He didn’t know as much as he thought he did._ _ _ _

____I moved so that I could kneel over his lap, legs bent to brace myself on either side of his solid thighs. I loosened and removed his bolo, then worked on the buttons of his shirt, undoing them one by one. He watched me with a predator’s patience, but if he thought that he was the predator then he was very much mistaken. I pushed the shirt off of his shoulders and pulled it down. I folded it with several swift, neat movements, then leaned back to put both the shirt and bolo on the end of the bed._ _ _ _

____“Are you ever untidy?” Erwin murmured._ _ _ _

____“I let a man come over my face once,” I said, watching him intently to see how he reacted. “Does that count?”_ _ _ _

____His hand curled around the back of my neck, dragging me down for a deep, punishing kiss. I was gasping when I pulled away, drawing down breath after ragged breath._ _ _ _

____“You like that idea?” I growled, already knowing the answer._ _ _ _

____“The only place I’ll be coming is in my pants, if you keep that up.” His forehead pressed against mine, hand still cupping my neck._ _ _ _

____I smoothed my hands over his shoulders, admiring the hard, bony ridges, working my finger-tips into each slab of muscle. Then I leaned back so that I could see him properly and worship him with my eyes: - he was a god, a beautiful, muscled god, brought down to human level by the loss of his arm. Blonde hair dusted his chest but failed to hide delicious pink nipples and clearly defined abdominal muscles. The bandaged stump of his arm – the bandages winding around his chest and shoulder – only enhanced his beauty._ _ _ _

____He was visibly uncomfortable with my appraisal, and I felt moved to reassure him. Even though he could be in no doubt that I respected him, that I understood him – that I found him fucking irresistible – his wound was more than just damage to his body. It was damage to his mind, his soul, his confidence. I’d helped him build it back up, bit by bit (with Hanji’s help) but still, this last barrier remained. With his shirt on he could pin the sleeve back; not forgotten, exactly, but out of the way. With his shirt gone, and the bandages on display, there was no way that he could hide... no way he could pretend._ _ _ _

____“I’ve been fantasising about this for a long time,” I said, drawing one finger down between his pebbled nipples._ _ _ _

____“Really?” Erwin’s voice had hardened, but the thread of insecurity was still easy to hear. “Fantasised about being fucked by a man with one arm?”_ _ _ _

____“No.” I couldn’t help myself – I leaned forward again, head bowed, and dragged my tongue over one nipple, feeling his instant shiver. “Fantasised about you,” another lick, another shiver, “making love,” and now I sucked it into my mouth, loving the way he gasped, “to me.”_ _ _ _

____His hand closed over the top of my head, threading through my hair. I didn’t need any more encouragement. I moved from one nipple to the other, hands clenched on his shoulders. His low moans were everything I wanted to hear._ _ _ _

____He pushed me back long enough to start working on my cravat. I pulled his hand to my lips and kissed his palm, then set his hand aside, unfastening the knot myself and removing the cravat. He watched, eyes glittering, as I unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it off, then pulled my vest off over my head. I folded each garment and placed them with Erwin’s shirt._ _ _ _

____“You’re so compact,” Erwin said, his tone reverent. His hand curled around my hip, strong fingers digging into my flesh._ _ _ _

____“Excuse me?”_ _ _ _

____“Your body’s as neat as the rest of you. You’ve got plenty of muscle.” He trailed a finger across my stomach, and this time it was my turn to shiver. “But it’s lean. Precise.”_ _ _ _

____“Are you calling me small?” I demanded, hearing my own insecurities._ _ _ _

____“There’s nothing small about you, Levi.” He pressed his mouth to mine, gentle, reassuring. “You’re short in stature, but in every other respect you’re a Titan.”_ _ _ _

____“But I don’t eat people,” I said, husky. I refused to let him have the last soft, mushy word. “Except you.” I kissed his throat, the underside of his chin, the curve between his neck and shoulder. “I’ll gobble you up.”_ _ _ _

____“I want you,” he growled, his hand splaying over the small of my back. He hauled me closer, my chest pressed against his, the solid lump of his erection rubbing against mine. I ground against him, enjoying the sensations, delighting in the way he hissed in my ear._ _ _ _

____“Then _have_ me, Erwin!” I groaned, “before I turn into fucking Titan steam!”_ _ _ _

____His kiss was rough, passionate, a sloppy mess of tongue against tongue. I fumbled with the fastening of his trousers, haste making my fingers clumsy until I was a heartbeat away from shouting my frustration._ _ _ _

____“Slow down,” he urged, sucking the lobe of my ear into his mouth before gently setting his teeth into the flesh. “If there’s one thing that losing an arm has taught me, it’s patience.”_ _ _ _

____He was right. I was desperate to get him inside me but it made no difference if that happened in the next two minutes or twenty. We were alone, safe, and unlikely to be disturbed._ _ _ _

____“I’ll teach you patience,” I taunted, “the next time I’ve got your cock in my mouth, and you’re desperate to come.”_ _ _ _

____His rumbling laugh followed me as I climbed off of his lap and rolled onto the floor, bare feet slapping against the stone._ _ _ _

____I’d come prepared. I hadn’t wanted to make assumptions, but I also hadn’t wanted to miss the opportunity for extended time alone. I reached into the back pocket of my trousers and removed a small hipflask of lubricant, obtained from one of my Underground contacts. Let others use animal fat, lamp oil or – I held back a shudder – their own saliva. I wanted the best._ _ _ _

____Besides, the Commander was hung like an ox. I _needed_ the best, if I didn’t want him to rip me open. _ _ _ _

____I tossed the flask onto the bed and set about divesting myself of every remaining stitch of clothing. When I turned back, Erwin was naked; beautiful and glorious, cock jutting wild and free. Seeing me watching, he stroked himself with slow, languid movements, mouth tilted into a decadent smile._ _ _ _

____I climbed up beside him, keeping my hands away from my own cock. I was half-crazy with lust and he wasn’t even inside me yet._ _ _ _

____“Watch me,” I ordered as I arranged myself over his lap again. This time I sat between his open knees, legs draped over his hips with my feet against the wall behind him. I leaned back on one elbow and reached for the flask._ _ _ _

____“Can – can I…?” he asked, tentative._ _ _ _

____I nodded, not trusting myself to speak because I knew that soon – oh so soon – I was going to beg him to fuck me._ _ _ _

____He took the flask and flipped the lid, letting some of the lubricant drizzle out on to his fingers. I reached down and spread my cheeks to give him better access, watching the way his eyes zeroed in on my hole._ _ _ _

____I felt the gentle press of his thumb, then stifled a gasp as it slid smoothly past the tight ring of muscle. I ignored the slight sting, focussing on his face._ _ _ _

____He pulled his thumb back but didn’t withdraw all the way. He pushed back in again, repeating the motions, fucking me just that little bit deeper with each push. I breathed through my mouth, restless fingers plucking at the blanket._ _ _ _

____He removed his thumb and replaced it with his index and forefinger. I drew a sharp breath at the sting, biting down on my lip, eyes closed._ _ _ _

____“OK?” he asked, anxious._ _ _ _

____“You’ve got thick fingers,” I got out through gritted teeth. “And it’s been a while. Just... just don’t stop.”_ _ _ _

____I kept my eyes closed as his fingers slid in and out, gently working me open, until the sting faded and was replaced by pleasure._ _ _ _

____“Another one,” I ordered as he pulled out._ _ _ _

____“I don’t want to hurt you...”_ _ _ _

____“It’ll only hurt if you don’t fucking stretch me!”_ _ _ _

____“You’re a wildcat, Levi.” He reached for the flask again, drizzling a good measure of the lubricant over his already glistening fingers. “Has anyone ever told you that?”_ _ _ _

____“You say the – ahhhh – the sweetest things…”_ _ _ _

____I concentrated on my breathing as he worked three fingers inside me. This time the sting was a burn, but fuck, I wanted it; just watching him was enough to make my cock twitch._ _ _ _

____“Stop,” I whispered, less than thirty seconds later._ _ _ _

____He stopped immediately, withdrawing his fingers._ _ _ _

____“Too much?”_ _ _ _

____“Only if you want me to come right this second.” I drew a deep, ragged breath, then sat up. “Hold still.”_ _ _ _

____I shifted so that I was back on my knees, so close I imagined that I could feel the wild pound of his heart. Or perhaps it was mine. I picked up the flask and squeezed lubricant out onto my palm, reaching between us to slather it over his cock. He moaned once, hips arching, and I wondered if he was as close as I was._ _ _ _

____Taking my time – slow and careful, so careful – I lined him up with my now-stretched hole. I lowered my body down, thigh muscles straining, injured leg aching, as I fought to control the movement._ _ _ _

____The first push of his cock made my eyes open wide. I set my face into his shoulder so that he couldn’t see, and kept moving, easing myself down. After the first inch or two it became easier and I took him all, every last glorious inch, fighting through the burn. I’d never felt so fucking full._ _ _ _

____“OK?” Erwin asked again. It sounded as if he was speaking through gritted teeth; when I looked up, that was exactly what he was doing._ _ _ _

____“More than OK,” I whispered._ _ _ _

____And it was true. Even before we’d started moving, it was true – he was big enough that just having him inside me pressed against that special place, the place that made me want to writhe and buck and lose control._ _ _ _

____His hand cupped my face, fingers splaying over my cheek. My tongue flicked out and licked his fingertips. His sharp intake of breath was all the reaction I wanted._ _ _ _

____Trying so hard to keep my movements slow, controlling the muscles that years of ODMG use had honed, I set up a rhythm of rise and fall. That rhythm wouldn’t last long – I was already struggling – but for this short time I lost myself to exquisite pleasure, letting my head fall back._ _ _ _

____Erwin’s fingers curled around the back of my neck, short nails dragging down my spine. I shuddered, head snapping up. His eyes drilled into mine, as hard and transparent as ice, sending me tumbling down into his depths. I felt the true reach of his feelings; something inside me rose up at that glimpse, some answering emotion. No – not just answering but matching; what we felt for each other was equally intense, two opposites twining together to make a whole._ _ _ _

____Erwin’s kiss was deep and drugging as he poured those emotions into me. I took them, sent them back, letting him know that I knew his secret. Letting him know mine._ _ _ _

____He groaned, a deep, low sound dragged from the base of his chest, and started fucking up into me with rough strokes. His hand moved from my back to my bottom, fingers clenching on one cheek._ _ _ _

____I couldn’t stop the sounds coming out of my mouth. I didn’t want to and didn’t even try. I grabbed his shoulders and held on, timing each downward drop with each thrust, until I felt as if I was going to go mad._ _ _ _

____“So fucking close,” I growled._ _ _ _

____His hand moved up to wrap around my cock. That was it – he barely had to touch me and my whole world exploded, winding every muscle into impossible tightness. I shot all over his stomach and chest, arms around his neck, face pressed into his shoulder as I shuddered and trembled._ _ _ _

____I felt Erwin’s orgasm the moment it hit. His body froze, cock buried deep inside me, his eyes shut._ _ _ _

____We sat like that for several minutes. Recovering. Each drawing strength from the other. But all too soon I knew that it was time to move; I raised myself off him, feeling empty, his come trickling down my thighs. I reached for my cravat – I had plenty more, they could be laundered easily enough – and wiped us both clean._ _ _ _

____It was only now that I took stock of my surroundings. The room reeked of sex, and we were both covered in sweat. It was an excellent look on him. But now all the muscles in my legs ached and I was exhausted._ _ _ _

____I dropped onto by back, hearing Erwin’s rough breathing. He didn’t say anything, but when I felt the gentle press of lips against the tender skin beneath my ear, I knew that nothing needed to be said._ _ _ _

____*****_ _ _ _

____We slept again, longer this time. The room was in full dark when we woke. I closed the shutters and put a match to the lamp closest to Erwin. A warm, soft glow filled the room._ _ _ _

____“Come back to bed,” he said._ _ _ _

____“One of us should get some food.”_ _ _ _

____“Food can wait.” There was an unexpected hardness to his voice, and I turned to look at him, curious. “I want you where I can hold you. Life is a constant test, and I want my reward.”_ _ _ _

____I returned to the bed and climbed up beside him, letting him pull me against his side._ _ _ _

____“If I’m your reward, your expectations of what you deserve are too low,” I cautioned. “Life owes us nothing. All it gives us is death, and no man can escape that.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t want death.” He nuzzled his face into my neck, making me shiver. “I want my happy ever after.”_ _ _ _

____“There’s no such thing as a happy ever after.” Guilt ate at me for smothering his happiness, but I was practical enough to know that our bubble would burst, in time. “All we can ever have is moments of joy. And I plan to take as much as I fucking can.”_ _ _ _

____“A thief to the end...?”_ _ _ _

____“It’s not stealing if it’s freely given, Erwin.”_ _ _ _

____“Then take. Take everything I have to give.”_ _ _ _

____I turned and kissed him. “Gladly.”_ _ _ _

____I’d always lost everyone I cared about. It was just the way of the world, our world, our reality. I’d come to accept it, because there was no point in doing anything otherwise – the ones you loved always died, at some point._ _ _ _

____And eventually, the one who died was you._ _ _ _

____But until that day came, I planned to live and love as fully as I could. And – now that I’d coaxed my Commander back into the air, to fly as he should – perhaps that day would be a long time coming._ _ _ _

____THE END_ _ _ _


End file.
